Jaded Scarlet

  1. In memory of you, Angela <3

    It’s been 3 years today since my cousin/sister Angela Rose Downs took her own life.  I find it personally fitting to post the eulogy that I spoke at her funeral.  

    For my dear cousin Angela:

    When someone dies, they say that time stops and the world stands still. For me, time stopped at 10 p.m. on Thursday, April 23, 2009. That night, the most shocking and unbelievable news came across the phone at me and time stopped. That night, I found out that my big cousin, the one I had always looked up to, the one who was more like my sister than my cousin, had taken her own life. Needless to say, my world and all sense of time for me stopped. 

    There is no human way for me to express the grief flowing through me right now. I was and still am your little cousin. I practically knew you since I was born. We grew up together, we played together as children, we gossiped about boys we liked and eventually boys we loved. In our childhood, I remember sitting in your grandmother’s living room playing The Game of Life, cheating while the other wasn’t looking, putting more and more blue and pink children into our tiny cars, laughing about how many kids we would have one day. 

    When we got a little older, I remember playing with Barbies in your grandma’s bedroom, carefully picking out their outfits, building their dream house just right. I remember trying to fit into your clothes and trying to act just like you, emulating you, wanting to be just like you. As a teenager, you were cool, and I was still the younger, immature cousin. Throughout our teenage years, we were not as close, we tended to drift apart. But I considered that normal. You were older, you had your own life, and I had mine. But anytime there was a dance coming up and I just had to look perfect, you took the time out of your life, let me borrow a dress, did my makeup, did my hair. You always loved doing that. 

    As we got older, moved into adulthood, when I wasn’t the little cousin anymore, but a grown woman, I would like to think that in some small way, we reconnected. We started hanging out more, we were interested in what the other was doing. But our younger days had long passed. No more Barbies, no more board games. Instead, it became mall trips, Café 360 at night, karaoke at Phoenix Hill for parties, planning weddings. I will never forget how you looked on your wedding day or how you helped me plan mine. I will never forget you waking me up on my wedding day at eight in the morning, a cup of coffee in hand, urging me to get out of bed saying, “Chrissy, wake up, it’s your wedding day!” I remember looking at you, groaning, and begging for five more minutes. 

    I have so many memories of you, Ang. Some good, some bad, some mediocre. I wish I could somehow explain to you what you mean to me or recap 24 years of memories in less than 10 minutes, but I can’t. There are some moments in my memory which I can see clearly and I could describe every detail. Some memories are less detailed, more like snippets of moments all melted together. Too many to mention, but many will make interesting stories to tell someday. Somehow, Ang, your smile, no matter how wide, or how cheesy, always made me feel better about anything. It hurts me that at a time when you sorely needed to smile, I couldn’t be there to make you smile or to make you laugh. 

    But you know, I can still somehow feel your presence here with us as we mourn for you. Most people wouldn’t understand it, but I found your star – the brightest in the sky – the other night and for some reason, I could feel you there looking down upon us. And that made me feel better, as if you were finally at peace. And I hope that you are. I hope that finally you can find some peace from the turmoil that you experienced in this life. As I listened to some music the other day, the day after you died, and yesterday, absent-mindedly paying attention to the lyrics, two songs came on that made me think of you. You know me, Ang, and when I can’t find the words to say something, I always find it in song. The songs were “Remember Me” and “There You’ll Be.”

    Although you would probably find the lyrics corny, I found some comfort in the lyrics to “Remember Me.” It says, “Remember, I will still be here, as long as you hold me in your memory. Remember, when your dreams have ended, time can be transcended, just remember me. I am the one star that keeps burning so brightly, it is the last light to fade into the rising sun. I am that one voice on a cold wind that whispers and if you’ll stay, you’ll hear me call across the sky. As long as I still can reach out and touch you, then I will never die.” 

    Yesterday, I heard the Faith Hill song, “There You’ll Be,” and I knew how much you loved country, even though it’s not a country song. It says, “When I think back on these times and the dreams we left behind, I’ll be glad cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life. When I look back on these days, I’ll look and see your face, you were right there for me. In my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky, in my heart there’ll always be a place for you, for all my life, I’ll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am, there’ll you be.” 

    I will miss you forever, Angela. I will miss the wild nights that we spent together, laughing, singing together, smiling together. I will mourn for all of the experiences that we could have shared someday, like raising our kids together, becoming soccer or cheerleading moms, growing old together as confidants. I wish I could have kept the final promise that I made to you to take you out for coffee and talk even though you never got coffee. In my mind, I will always see you as the vibrant woman that you became, standing on stage at Phoenix Hill belting out “Barbie Girl” with me. Even though we looked like complete 90s idiots, we shared that laughter and I will always hold onto that. I will always think of us as children playing together, making fun of each other, acting like sisters. I hope that this will never turn into goodbye even though my life will go on. For me, it is not goodbye. For me, it is as it was whenever one or the other of us logged offline. It’s “I’ll talk to you later, chick.”

  2. Now I know the true meaning of cowardice. And you have proved it.

  3. fripperiesandfobs:

    Worth evening dress, 1887-88

    From MCNY

    Does anybody realize how much I NEED this dress?!

    (via toxiicandiis)

  4. Did a photoshoot with Sean R. of S9M Photography the other day.  I don’t have all of them yet but from what I’ve seen so far, they’re amazing!  I’ll post the rest once I get them :)

  5. I really just wanna be around people who respect me and won’t ignore me when I’m standing right there.

    Is that too much to ask?

  6. More shots from McNeely Lake, this time with both my sisters and me. 

    Again, thanks Josh S. for the corset. 

    And if you like what you see here, I’m doing another photoshoot on Sunday :)

    Photos: voodooangeldesigns.tumblr.com

  7. In case no one knows because I wasn’t tagged in them on Facebook as I should have been, I’m posting some pics from a photoshoot I did with my sisters Kiara and Kris the other day at McNeely Lake. 

    This first set is of me and my sister Kris :)

    Thanks to Josh S. for the gift of my beautiful new corset! One of the best birthday presents EVER!

    Photos by voodooangeldesigns.tumblr.com 

  8. I could go on a very long rant, but honestly, it’s not worth my time or energy.

  9. More from the goth photoshoot

  10. Did a new photoshoot yesterday in a park.  I think it could have gone better but I guess I have to take what I can get. 

    BIG FUCKING EYELASHES and goth makeup :)

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